I started reading The Portrait of Dorian Gray yesterday. Pretty interesting book. I, like others thought the men in the book to possibly be gay as well, but I guess times were a little different back then and saying that you were intimate doesn't mean that you really were "intimate" the way we think of it today. It just means that they were close friends. Reading this book, I thought to myself that I am not like this man. I am not the type to be enlightened or changed by one man's words and become a different person. Does that mean I am scared? Probably...or probably more careful than I need to be. But I guess I am still young enough to live life to the fullest and hopefully not have a list of regrets when I am old and wrinkly. Yes...I have to say it's because I'm scared. I'm scared of the unknown, of the unfamiliar, of being alone. But at the same time, I've seen myself through a few changes in my life that I was sitting on because I was scared. So I know that I can do it if I just do it...it's that just doing part that takes a lot of courage. I also realize that I come out the other end, realizing that it wasn't that scary...whatever it was. I also think that change doesn't happen as drastically as I fear it will. People do change, but they are still the same. Reading about other people's lives on facebook makes me depressed for my own life not being as fun. But then again...I also think that these fun lives could be a fabrication as well. Who knows. I need to not be on facebook so often and just live my life and enjoy it for what it is...my life. My life right now is my pregnancy. Feeling the baby kicking everyday brings so much joy to my often dull days laying in bed, and not being as active as I want to be because my feet are swollen and hurt when I walk long distances. My bladder is also hurting these days and I would have to say getting in and out and moving from one side to another in bed is the most tortuous for me physically. Getting down on the floor to hang out with the doggies at eye level and having to get back up on my feet is quite the task these days. I have to get on all fours before I can get back up. I've developed some sort of pregnancy arthritis in the last month. If I don't move my hands for a bit of time, it starts to stiffen up and I have to warm it back up again. Sometiems I sleep with my hands curled up and I find it stuck in that position in the morning. I have gained about 24 lbs and I am only 26.5 weeks pregnant! My mom always told us about how she gained so much weight when she was pregnant with me because she gave no regard to her diet. She said she would eat whole baby chickens at Bob's Big Boy at least once a week (bones included). But in the end, when I asked her how much weight she gained, she only gained 38 lbs. I imagine that I will be right up there in another 3 months. What's worse is that I'm not even indulging...well at least not like my mom was. I just need to walk more...but oh my feet...and oh my bladder...sigh. All I wish for is for this swelling to subside a bit. I don't even try to put my wedding ring on because it doesn't fit anymore. I remember when I first got the ring, I was worried that I would lose it because it felt so loose on my finger. I could make it go round and round back then. Someone told me that when I got older and hand children that the ring would fit better. Nay! I am determined to make it loose again once the baby is born. That will be my goal...not lose __ lbs but rather, make my ring fit nice and loosely on my finger again.